Through The Dark

song from new album Midnight Memories by One Direction
as expected, they're really heroes for the insecure feel
love them so much <3
I love every single words on this song!!

and, for the record, I listen this and crying hahaha, but I know, they'll make me feel better, as always <3

Huhu

I really want to go to Seoul, South Korea, spend holiday there at least for one week. And from last year, I already saves up money, well..I'm just college student who don't have any abilities, I don't have any works to increase my income, I just collects money from my parents gimme, monthly income which are for transport fees and foods in campus, so the leftover from it not really much..

And everytime, I look on my bank account, I will feel anxious, because the amount of money I have is still far away from the amount of money I need, and then after it, I will do everything to cut off my spend, and the worst was I ever starved myself just so I didn't need to spend money from my wallet, it drove me crazy really, and I admit it..

I kinda being obsses now with this dream, and seriously, I already tried to make it easy for myself, but once again, when I found out my saving still less from what I need, I will lost control and kinda 'punish' myself, I even made budget sheet, and lists all the incomes and outcomes, and how much the left I need to save, and everything, and yes, I need to follow from the list how-much-I-can-to-spend except for emergency thing..

Sometimes I want to stop it [the crazy part] and just enjoy my life and not having this reminder 24/7 to saves up and just go with the flow while prays and hopes something happen and someone gimme ticket to there [AMEN!] but on the other hand, I know, the good thing never come free, and to get the sweet smile I need to feel the bitter and fight hard..

But..this is feel too much. HUHU. I want to go to Seoul to be happy but why I feel so stress and depresses now...

*

04.10AM

Beautiful Simple Things I Love

Favourite songs
Long hugs

Shy smiles

Smell of rain

Starry nights

Holding hands

To be loved

Eating choccolates

The taste of mints candy

Getting lost in book

Random acts of kindness

Doing silly thing with bestfriend

Singing in bathroom

The smell of favourite parfume

Laughing truly

Sleep

Eating choccocrunch without milk

Baby's smile

Parents' proud eyes

Blue sky with white clouds

Good internet connections

Cuddling
Oreo
Choco mints ice cream' flavour
Rainbow
Quality time with family
Peace
Smell of coffe

Welcome To My Life

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place,
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you?
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you're screaming?

No, you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No, you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No, you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No, you don't know what it's like (What it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No, you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

*

I know this is an old song, but good song never die right hehe

just...I could reflect and feel the lyrics well now..kinda touchy for me xoxo

7 Years of Love

Today is my 7 Years of Love with my super bestest friends in the whole universe!!!
And, this is the longest relationship I've (apart of my family) so far and I know we are still counting and will be still growing old together and trying so hard to keep this as long as we can, hope for everlasting <3

For my Dita, Galuh, and Listi,
I just want to say thankyou over and over, for everything,
for every laughs
every smiles
every tears
every happy and sad moments
every experiences
every stories
every stupid and silly things
every times which are I can't explain one by one, and seriously I know this is cheesy, but you all always be a part of my life.

We're not always in good term, our friendship not just about rainbow and cherry on top, there were rains even hard thunders along, but we passed it, and I know those experiences make us stronger, wiser, and more mature.

And as long as I will always have you all, my precious treasures, I won't give up, the three of you and my family are always my ultimate reasons to never give up. Promise.

And you all will always have my back, my time, my pray, my proud, my vote, my love and ofcourse..my room ;p
Hope I won't make you sad, unproud, and shame to have friend like me ({})

So, happy 7 years of love for us, thankyou and love you very mucheeee <3 with no end.

A LOT OF HUGS AND KISSES XOXOXOXO

Boyband[s] on my life

I don't know either but I think I've this fate-red-string with boyband, hahaha, because seriously since I'm on 2nd grade on elementary school, I already in loved with boyband and made them my lovely treasures and they were....westllife !! xoxoxo

to be honest, I'm not really remember the way I loved them back then, but I still know how much I love Brian McFadden that time, oh and I still remember, I kind of broken hearted when he's departed from westlife to be solois, HUHU!! and westlife's poster is the fisrt poster I've and pasted on my room's wall hehehe, I pasted that poster on wall in front of my bed, so when I opened my eyes in the morning, those sweet smile from five irish lads greeted me and gimme extra energy HAHAHA.

and, NO! westlife not the one and only boyband I love,

because, eleven years later, to be exact, on 2011, I kind of stumble into this dorky silly dumbie but lovely boyband called Super Junior. Yeah baby, Super Junior, Su-per-ju-ni-oeyo....

so different feels, right ? one is more like vocal group and come from europe and the other is dancing group with a looot of members and kind of more cheerfull, but well...

I'm on my dark time when I know Super Junior, and believe or not, they're like hero for me, because even it would be such an exaggeration, without them that time maybe my smile won't be back, maybe I will just keep drowned on my sea of depression. But, their songs, their dances, their cheesy quotes, their silly acts, their touching stories cheered me up perfectly. I remember that time, I just like being alone and lonely in my room and refused to face the others (except my family and my bestfriend), I just searched sad songs on youtube untill fate (which is I still dont know how) made me meet with Super Junior's old reality show video called explore human body (EHB) and for the first time I smiled and even laughed so hard that time, they turn out to be my rainbow to my hardest rain ;;;;;

And today, I still cheerish them with same feeling, Park Jung Soo, Kim Heechul, Hangeng, Kim Jong Woon, Kim Young Woon, Shin Dong Hee, Lee Sung Min, Lee Hyuk Jae (my dumbbiee), Lee Dong Hae, Choi Si Won (my dumboss), Kim Ki Bum, Kim Ryeo Wook, Cho Kyu Hyun and ofcourse Zhoumy and Henry <3 will always be my Super Men my favourite muse my first love on kpop world my shinning star my cutie ahjussis and my hero.

because even now there's a lot of new group on kpop world, I will still back on Super Junior. There's time when I stop listening their songs or searching their news but STILL when I feel down or on the edge when everything feels wrong and stuck, they're never failed to put back my smile on my lips.

not just stop on Super Junior, I love the other boyband from the other part of world these past few months, and they're One Direction..../clapping alone/

to be fair, One Direction is the first boyband with the members who have same age with me, so I kind of make them like my inspirator and motivator to live my life HAHAHA specially LIAM PAYNE hehehehe his determination, his stories, and everything make me look at him and like "okay, so he can passed all the worst thing happened on his life, and he has same age with you, and he can, so believe it you can too!!"

so, I typed the right words when I said I've fate string with boyband, right ? hehehehehe.

well, sometimes I still listening westlife's old songs and still be my favourite, and One Direction with their music and the touching lyrics are always make my insecure lessen, but Super Junior will never be replace, it kinda the sad love story ofcourse because I know 100% if they're never know me personally, but I could say they're already give me much happiness, and I won't ever give up my love for Super Junior, and I always could imagine someday, I will sit with my daughter and show her all my stuffs about Super Junior and tell her everything about them, proudly.

Happy SatNight ;;;;

20th

well today is my bhirtday xoxoxo HAPPY BHIRTDAY TO ME YEAHHHH!!
today is the day when twenty years ago my mom was delivering me to this world so THANKYOU NO ENDDD MOMMMM!!!
and ofcourse THANKYOU SO MUCHEEEE DAD for being the greatest Dad for me and showing me not all guys with penis is an asshole ;;;
my baby brother too even until now you still not say happy bhirtday to me yet but well just be happy because you have such a forgiving sister ~^^
and for my super bestfriends, the bestest friends in the whole world, the ones who never walk away from my life, and all amazing peoples around me who already being part of my life, conditionally or unconditionally one way or another, thankyou very much for all prayers and everything even the shits things but hey its life 

the last but not least, thankyou God for still gimme chance to live my life, to spend my times, to experience all the bitters and the sweets things.

and, for me, for myself, happy bhirtday! You're twenty now, an adult, not teenager anymore, and the road ahead still mystery with a lot of surprise things, so hang on and just trying so hard to be happy, because you deserve it, okay ?
being an adult isnt easy, so does being mature, don't push yourself too much, just go with the flow, you have a lot of great peoples around to help and guide you.
keep all your dreams, you never know maybe someday one of your dreams will be real, don't give low point to yourself so much and often, its unfair.
its okay to fall in love again, its okay to be loved, you need it, stop being introvert and hide in your safezone.
love yourself more, I know you can do more than this, value your life and take time to being gratefull for everything, remember you're not alone and never alone.
do what you want to do, just fuck of what other says, this is your life, your moments, yours.
make other happy is a good thing but you must make yourself happy first, just God who has right to judge you, dont be afraid to being unique and different.
dye your hair when you really sure about it, but to be honest im not really sure about that, for tattoo well..you've a long road to get permission from your parents, just...don't stop dreaming, right ?
this year, you already cried and depressed so much and almost lost it, but hey, we made it! you made it! and I proud of you, seriously, love you so much too, so..just let's spend our rest time and someday we will look back just to say "those time was hard but I made it now, Im happy and stronger, thankyou."

*

but huhu twenty...

kinda old, right ???!

the future I plan

I don't know what people around me think about me and how they're see me either. But, strangely almost all my friends always tell and guess if I will being the one who marry first, being settle down, having husband and kids and being a responsible wife with all those cooking things and another housewives tasks.

and, well, it's okay for them to think like that

but,

to be honest, me with myself always have another idea, I don't know why, but I think I will be the last person to marry, after all my bestfriend

because  I have this 'monster' thing on me, something which there on my head or even my body' soul and heart, the rebel acts, the kind of side I wish to show to everyone.

Like, after I'm graduate from my university I'll go to another country and I really hope I could to go to countryside on UK, do what I really like which is writting, and it's okay if I just being a waitress or someone who wash plates on small restaurant everyday, and it's okay if i just can earn a little amount of money as long as it could pay my rent and my meals, then on night or weekend I could sit on chair in a corner of small cafe or under the tree on public park and writting on my notes, and listen the sexy british accent, and taste the famous Yorkshire tea, and munch the delicous English' muffin. Damn, it would be a such good and simple but love to live, and worth my feels.

and, other people will react like "Gosh, you can live your life like that ?! I never imagine you will have life like this."

Not work behind the table and in a tall building with the tower of files waiting to do.
or,
Not being the first one to settle down and having family
or,
Not being mommy in young age and just focus on my kids and husband
or,
Not in a good position and good salary in international company which make me fly to one and another city or country in just one day

It will be great, yeah ?
Do what I really really really want to do.
Just fuck of what other says

But then, I will face my mom and my dad and I know it will be difficult, because...well they don't pay my education just for me being waitress in other unfamiliar country, I know it very so much and still don't know how to make it happen. But, there's a will there's a way, so I will really happy if I could do it oneday.

HOPE.

Don't you miss me ? Or..just me who miss you ?

so, the last message I got from my mom' on wednesday and now is Sunday.
Yeah..
She used to called or messaged me everytime and everyday when my brother still here but now...well..

Ofcourse, I try to be the one who make move first, but..until when ?
Can people make their move to me first, can't they ? Or that's really a difficul taks to do, huh ?

maybe it's true, because I'm just nothing so other people could live their life perfectly without me.

second best

me ever went to holiday with my bestfriend and her bestfriends but then from the first we're landed on that new place I'm just being like an outsider, someone who didn't exist, I'm just like a person who tagged along with them and no one really expected me to be there.

and I know it.
because, well..
I'm not funny enough, not beautiful and photogenic to be on pictures, not cheerfull and friendly.
I'm just that girl. the boring one, the unwanted, the one who just ruined every happy moment they could had.

It's okay
I mean, I used to it

but,

I just had those a really little hope, my bestie will notice me, because..we're bestie for a reasons, right ?

but, really, it's really okay, I'm not mad to my bestie or her friends, and I never tell this story to other people or my other besties so yeah this is the first time I reaveal this, because yeah...it's me we're talking about, the second best for everything..

never being the number one
never being the first priority

hft.

Sometimes,
I know, I'm tipical hard person to take care of, too focused on everything but myself, too easily upset and too difficult to bring back, and well.. I hate myself for putting my friends in that position.
But, I'm just...
It's so hard for me to fit on everything, I always feel like I'm not giving my hardest enough, and then I push myself too much and then I can't stop thinking about all the stuff I did wrong, stuffs I messed up, and it just keep going and going on my head and when it's like three in the morning, I don't know how to sleep having damn insomnia for one week or more  and ofcourse it just make my body feel numbs and my mood keep going up and down without a reasons

Do I really need to being fucking emotional like this ?
Can the monster inside myself die and lemme live my life with joyful feeling and forget about all the damn insecure I have ?!

hello..helllo..anybody out there...

depressed

maybe it's true if depressed people are selfish and annoying and stupid
because...we're just care about ourself yeah ???

but,

I really wish I could back being a little girl again, being the one who will just cry and hurt because I scraped my knees when fell, when I didn't need to worry about my fucking hair or clothes I wore, when I didn't need to being someone who everyone want to see not being someone who I want to be. Back that time I always wanted to be a teenager then an adult, but now...really, I really want being a little girl again and I will hide and trying everything to not grow up, because this is seems so scary, this isn't like what I imagine before....

This is kinda make me tired, when laid on my bed at night and cried because this feeling about not a good enough is raising and fully my head and then I will just count about my flaws and felling worst on myself. The facts about I've lost myself and sometimes  I kind of dislike myself really scare me.

and I just want everything to stop but then I really afraid about dying or die, so I don't have that courage to taking medicines or cutting like what most insecure people do/did  and I just being coward, crying and keep criying sometimes without logical reasons, make my pillow wet and morning come and I will back to my routines, talking laughing smilling being crazzy, and I don't really know those action just me being fake or there another me who plays a role or me who wore a mask, and this is just going on circle....

and I trying to tell other people about this but I really hate the feeling about being burden and bothering my friends  because it will make my insecure feeling raising up  but then again I kind of being bitchie and annoying person because I want my friends can read me without questions and just hug me and listening to me about everything I spill even the ilogically things

so yeah. I'm that person. That girl.
who push my friends away
who tell them that I'm fine
who smilling like an idiot
but
feeling so alone
thinking nobody caring about me
and
allowing that fucking insecure feels to corrupting my minds

yeah,
me,
who,
ranting,
now,
even,
sometimes,
kind,
of,
confuse with myself too,
and,
dislike myself too,
and,
not really know what I really want.

I'm home but homesick...

the song to the insecure feels

So, I found this song a few days ago, and I can't help but the lyrics really touch me, like describe what I want to say..
The song from Jason Walker, What If I Told You..

What if I told you
Who I really was
What if I let you in on my charade?
What if I told you
What was really going on
No more masks and no more parts to play
There's so much I want to say
But I'm so scared to give away
Every little secret that I hide behind
Would you see me differently?
And would that be .such...a bad thing
I wonder what it would be like
If I told you
What if I told you
That's its just a front
To hide the insecurities I have
What if I told you
That I'm not as strong
As I like to make believe I am
There's so much I want to say
But I'm so scared to give away
Every little secret that I hide behind
Would you see me differently?
And would that be .such...a bad thing
I wonder what it would be like
If I told you
Oh if I told you
There's so much I want to say
But I'm so scared to give away
Every little secret that I hide behind
Oh would you see me differently?
And would that be .such...a bad thing
I wonder what it would be like
If I told you
What if I told you
What if I told you
What would it be like
What would it be like
If I told you
Oh what if I told you
Oh I wonder what it would be like
If I told you

Yeah....

What If  I Told You..hmm ?

What If...

I know, my insecurities are acting up now.

And trust me, this is sucks.

It all started to fall apart again.

I feel lost inside myself.

I'm not sure if I'm depressed now, I mean I'm not sad, and I don't have any reasons to be sad nowdays, I have my family, my best friends, my friends, I laugh at jokes, I go out and have fun, I got the better final score on this semester than before, my life isn't bad and teribble. 

But,

I'm not exactly happy either, because when I'm alone, at night, at my bed, like this, I forget how to feel...

So,

I fake another smile

and

trying to hold my tears

I'm suppossed to be strong, to have no fears

But my tears just dropping...

Why am I breaking down ?

I'm scared.

Who am I ?

I know

on this state, listening to sad songs with sad lyrics are false move.

I should have telling my friends and doing everything to forget about this sucks feeling.

But, isn't as simple as that.

Being insecure like this, is the most exhausted condition ever.

Because everything feels so wrong, especially me..I'm the wrong one, the nobody, no one..

And I just feel like being such a burden to my friends who constantly listening about this, about me being an ugly dramaqueen.

So, this is my favourite song now

I told you

What If I Told You...

-cheers-

..I'm not scared of falling, I'm scared of no one won't catch me..

What I Hate

I hate this feeling..
When I'm happy for a while and I don't have a care in the world or everything around me
But then..BAM!
I get in bed and I can't help but think about everything, I remember all the things [all the fucking stupid things] that are wrong and I just.....I just feel empty suddenly and everything I were feel before return and I'm being on my unhappy self mode.
Seriously, this feeling really sucks.

Hello!

Well, this is my third blog..
and tbh I kinda sad because I can't remember an email and password my previous blog so that's why I make this new blog now..hfft
hope I could share stories and be more active on this blog than my previous one~

-cheers-