Don't you miss me ? Or..just me who miss you ?

so, the last message I got from my mom' on wednesday and now is Sunday.
Yeah..
She used to called or messaged me everytime and everyday when my brother still here but now...well..

Ofcourse, I try to be the one who make move first, but..until when ?
Can people make their move to me first, can't they ? Or that's really a difficul taks to do, huh ?

maybe it's true, because I'm just nothing so other people could live their life perfectly without me.

second best

me ever went to holiday with my bestfriend and her bestfriends but then from the first we're landed on that new place I'm just being like an outsider, someone who didn't exist, I'm just like a person who tagged along with them and no one really expected me to be there.

and I know it.
because, well..
I'm not funny enough, not beautiful and photogenic to be on pictures, not cheerfull and friendly.
I'm just that girl. the boring one, the unwanted, the one who just ruined every happy moment they could had.

It's okay
I mean, I used to it

but,

I just had those a really little hope, my bestie will notice me, because..we're bestie for a reasons, right ?

but, really, it's really okay, I'm not mad to my bestie or her friends, and I never tell this story to other people or my other besties so yeah this is the first time I reaveal this, because yeah...it's me we're talking about, the second best for everything..

never being the number one
never being the first priority

hft.

Sometimes,
I know, I'm tipical hard person to take care of, too focused on everything but myself, too easily upset and too difficult to bring back, and well.. I hate myself for putting my friends in that position.
But, I'm just...
It's so hard for me to fit on everything, I always feel like I'm not giving my hardest enough, and then I push myself too much and then I can't stop thinking about all the stuff I did wrong, stuffs I messed up, and it just keep going and going on my head and when it's like three in the morning, I don't know how to sleep having damn insomnia for one week or more  and ofcourse it just make my body feel numbs and my mood keep going up and down without a reasons

Do I really need to being fucking emotional like this ?
Can the monster inside myself die and lemme live my life with joyful feeling and forget about all the damn insecure I have ?!

hello..helllo..anybody out there...

depressed

maybe it's true if depressed people are selfish and annoying and stupid
because...we're just care about ourself yeah ???

but,

I really wish I could back being a little girl again, being the one who will just cry and hurt because I scraped my knees when fell, when I didn't need to worry about my fucking hair or clothes I wore, when I didn't need to being someone who everyone want to see not being someone who I want to be. Back that time I always wanted to be a teenager then an adult, but now...really, I really want being a little girl again and I will hide and trying everything to not grow up, because this is seems so scary, this isn't like what I imagine before....

This is kinda make me tired, when laid on my bed at night and cried because this feeling about not a good enough is raising and fully my head and then I will just count about my flaws and felling worst on myself. The facts about I've lost myself and sometimes  I kind of dislike myself really scare me.

and I just want everything to stop but then I really afraid about dying or die, so I don't have that courage to taking medicines or cutting like what most insecure people do/did  and I just being coward, crying and keep criying sometimes without logical reasons, make my pillow wet and morning come and I will back to my routines, talking laughing smilling being crazzy, and I don't really know those action just me being fake or there another me who plays a role or me who wore a mask, and this is just going on circle....

and I trying to tell other people about this but I really hate the feeling about being burden and bothering my friends  because it will make my insecure feeling raising up  but then again I kind of being bitchie and annoying person because I want my friends can read me without questions and just hug me and listening to me about everything I spill even the ilogically things

so yeah. I'm that person. That girl.
who push my friends away
who tell them that I'm fine
who smilling like an idiot
but
feeling so alone
thinking nobody caring about me
and
allowing that fucking insecure feels to corrupting my minds

yeah,
me,
who,
ranting,
now,
even,
sometimes,
kind,
of,
confuse with myself too,
and,
dislike myself too,
and,
not really know what I really want.

I'm home but homesick...