depressed

maybe it's true if depressed people are selfish and annoying and stupid
because...we're just care about ourself yeah ???

but,

I really wish I could back being a little girl again, being the one who will just cry and hurt because I scraped my knees when fell, when I didn't need to worry about my fucking hair or clothes I wore, when I didn't need to being someone who everyone want to see not being someone who I want to be. Back that time I always wanted to be a teenager then an adult, but now...really, I really want being a little girl again and I will hide and trying everything to not grow up, because this is seems so scary, this isn't like what I imagine before....

This is kinda make me tired, when laid on my bed at night and cried because this feeling about not a good enough is raising and fully my head and then I will just count about my flaws and felling worst on myself. The facts about I've lost myself and sometimes  I kind of dislike myself really scare me.

and I just want everything to stop but then I really afraid about dying or die, so I don't have that courage to taking medicines or cutting like what most insecure people do/did  and I just being coward, crying and keep criying sometimes without logical reasons, make my pillow wet and morning come and I will back to my routines, talking laughing smilling being crazzy, and I don't really know those action just me being fake or there another me who plays a role or me who wore a mask, and this is just going on circle....

and I trying to tell other people about this but I really hate the feeling about being burden and bothering my friends  because it will make my insecure feeling raising up  but then again I kind of being bitchie and annoying person because I want my friends can read me without questions and just hug me and listening to me about everything I spill even the ilogically things

so yeah. I'm that person. That girl.
who push my friends away
who tell them that I'm fine
who smilling like an idiot
but
feeling so alone
thinking nobody caring about me
and
allowing that fucking insecure feels to corrupting my minds

yeah,
me,
who,
ranting,
now,
even,
sometimes,
kind,
of,
confuse with myself too,
and,
dislike myself too,
and,
not really know what I really want.