story,
about this average girl..
She's just a really ordinary girl, trust me, She's not beautiful and interesting to look at. She's that person you called nerd at school. She even used to hadn't any friends at her first grade of elementary school (made her promise to herself She will do everything to make her friends happy and stay beside them no matter what).
She knows it. She knows, She's not beautiful, not smart enough, or even rich, so She always trying to be good person, good daughter, good sister, good friend, even good stranger...
Until,
She didn't really remember since when, but, little by little, She lost her confidence,
at first, She just didn't like it when people laugh at her because she talked funny (not funny in joke way but funny because she can't spell one letter right from alphabet), so she always try to be silent and not talk when not needed.
then, She's realized, almost everyone in her life just take advantages from her, but well, She's okay with it, She already knows the only thing She could just being good (or try being good), so it's okay, as long as She could help other people and make them happy, it's good, She said.
and then, She's had this one guy who She loved so much, She called him the one, even they're still so young to know about love. Why She loved him very much ? well, Simply because that guy, was the first person who accepted her with every flaws She has (or that's the way She used to think), until one day they broke up and She's became too broken hearted, and need years to say, "I don't love him, like I did years ago"
there's one time, when She felt She was on top. Like everyone knew Her and be friend with Her. But She made blunder, She failed. And for the first time, She really want to be selfish, to cry out loud, but She can't, because She is the mature one, the good one, and no, no one want to see her on that state.
She loves to eat, She loves food, sweet candies and chocolates, and She's fast food addict. And later, almost everyone start to called her, fat. And that morning, She look her body in the mirror, and She start to believed those comments. She did. She was trying to stop eat. She went to diet. She didn't want to know her body weight. And, suddenly, She really dislike camera. Everytime her friends have fun taken their photos, She just sat on her position, and smile, and refused to joined with them.
She felt something wrong, when one night, She couldn't sleep and suddenly She cried. She was crying alone, and so much, 'till morning almost came. And this situation, on repeat mode. Every night, after that night.
After that, She was hating on herself. Because She's still laugh, and smile, and put happy face, but She knows, everything was fake. She's not herself. And She was lying to everyone around her. She's a good actress. She's big liar. She hates herself so much, very.
Guilty. She's on this condition. She's too ashamed to face everyone in her life. Rather than asked for help, She choosed to dissapear from their life.
But, to be honest, the most She want was, escaped from her life.
There was day, when She spent almost all her time in front of her laptop, 'till She found blogs about suicide and self harm. And She reads all the contents and for once, She felt, She wasn't alone, there someone or some people out there, have the same condition with her. She found friends.
No. She didn't want to die. She's so coward to did action like that. Did I ever tell you, if She is really afraid of height ? Because She did. She always scared with something which could harm her body or life.
She didn't want to die. But, She want every hates She felt for herself to stop. She want to killed herself. Her pathetic self. Her insecure self. Her lifeless self.
But She can't.
She hates herself even more. If that day, She felt like She made a mistake, She will punished herself, She didn't eat, and in front of mirror, She will said nasty comments about herself. She did everything to blame herself, basically.
Her favourite songs changed from those with beautiful and romantic lyrics to those songs with pathetic and depressing lyrics. She stopped read her books collection, almost every stories on book have happy ending, and suddenly she hate that, She continues to searched for stories about self harm, so she didn't feel lonely. Her friends often say, She is kind of has mother-self , but then She stopped to care, She withdraw further into herself.
But after, almost every pieces of her change, She felt like nobody realized it, and She kind of admitted to herself if She just the second best, the rebound, the one who always be forgotten.
And She laughed, so hard, that day. Because well, what was She expected ?! She wasn't a cheerful or a cool person to be friend. She's nerd, old-fashioned, uncool and unimportant.
Until, She's scared, scared if will there moment, when She braves enough to end everything.
She's collected all her courages and one night, She told her bestfriends (and She was really afraid when did this because what if they leave her and She become friendless again ?) and they made her to promise, to never do that stupid decision, and She said yes, and they were hugging her, and She cried so hard, and they were crying together.
She's still trying, until today, to love herself, to stop the hate, to forgive and forget.
She's still trying to be confidence.
Still trying to stop listening what other say and just be herself.
Still,
and I hope, She will succes to achive it, someday.
