2014, 2015 ..

Goodbye 2014 and hello 2015!

It was a turbulence year for me, so many things happened, and I just so proud of myself because I did it! I did my best and survive.

2014 was full of ups and downs for me, I had fought with myself so many times, there’s a lot of tears, and times when I just wanted to give up. I still remember those nights when the things I did, just cry and cry, without reasons, just because I’m so full of doubt to myself, because to love myself was, and honestly is still hard, she’s so mysterious, insecure, dark, lonely, unlikeable, and difficult, but she’s myself, my true self, so the battle inside felt like ate my mind and there’s a lot of time when it felt like I lost control over my life.

I’m that kind of independence person, I don’t like to share my burdens and problems to my family and my closest friends, I don’t like others find me to be weak or fragile. I’m strong. Always Ok. And Fine. But I know, it’ a lie.

So, instead asked for help, I rather pushed everyone out, and just be with myself, tried to pretend that I’m alright. And I’m alright, I mean, I still did my daily activities like usual, even my insomnia became really bad and I cried almost every night with this monster inside my head.

The good things were, I’ve best friends who just so patient enough to stay beside me eventho I choose to be alone and sometimes so annoying. They’re here, from the beginning and still here. I always think, I don’t deserve people like them at all, always imagine that someday they’ll realize if I’m just boring person who is really not worth to be their friends. I’m just nothing compare to them or everyones in my life. I’m just someone who lost my dreams and don’t know how to heal myself, just someone who always try to please everyones till I don’t know what I really want in my life. Just a failed person. Just simple as that.

I’m so afraid of my future, I don’t have any plans for myself but at the same time, I know everyone around me has hope, high expectation to me, to do something good, but seriously, for once, I really want to do something that I love for myself, for my sake, my happiness, not just to please everyone.

There was time last year, when I became brave and told my parents, half a bit of my feeling, it was so memorable moment with a lot of tears, and I know, I still have a lot of secrets, but at least, that little step , was one of the good thing I did in the procces to love myself.

And, after so many stressful and frustrated times, told myself over and over if I could and not give up, three weeks ago, I got my exams result, and it was really good, probably the best result from all the semester I had done before. For some people, maybe that result just so-so or nothing special, but for me, it was a prove to myself if I still have this determination to fight, to find a new dream, a new hope.

Not really have resolutions for this new year, but maybe, just maybe, if there’s someone who could accept me for who I am, with the monster and all the insecurities I’ve, someone who will tell me everything’s ok at 2AM when I’m a mess, someone who could sit with me in so many hours silently but in comfortable feeling, maybe just maybe, it’d be good.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2015!!